Hello and how are you! I have missed myself so much for the past - oh - too many months to count. I have been very busy and I have had lots and lots of changes in my life. We have a ton to discuss. I will share a few of my most important self and worldly realizations:
1.) I now hate the word Febreeze. What a stupid word. What does it mean??? I spray you and yet an hour later my clothing still smells like stale whiskey and cigarettes. And I don't even drink whiskey. You should be banned from the shelves of fine establishments such as Walmart and the Family Dollar. You'll get yours someday Febreeze...oh how you will get yours.
2.) I have developed a fear of tight-rope walking. Yes, it is true. I have a deadly fear of traversing the landscape with nothing keeping me from falling asunder other than a 1.5 inch thick rope. Thank you Modern Family for throwing that back in my face. I have thought about therapy but have chosen instead to self medicate with a mixture of beer, wine, and vodka. I only drink the vodka when the back flashes of lives I have never lived are exceptionally vibrant. Of course they never really are, but this is a super great excuse to drink and forget for one moment that Nancy Grace still exists.
3.) I have developed a 6th Sense and can now pick a winning scratcher 1 out of every 8 times. This is a very secret development as I fear that others may attempt to make me use my powers for evil instead of good. It is definitely a burden I never wished to undertake, nor thought I would ever undertake...Nonetheless, here it is and here I am too. I vow in this moment to not take advantage of the $1.00 and free tickets I will encounter 1/8 times I purchase a #22 from the local Hess Station on my way to work. Hear this Mexican Drug Cartels: I will not be used as a pawn in your sordid attempt at world domination and, this I know to be true, South of the Border will NEVER be better than Disney World. So stop filling the stomachs of innocent drug mules with your dirty cocaine and boot-legged Tequila. You will never get me lucky charms. And Trix will ALWAYS be for kids.
4.) I have decided that I will never get married. I am sorry to break the hearts of millions of young bachelors and single-agains, but I am not the marrying type. I refuse to waste the rest of my youth spending my evenings discussing our budget and losing my identity in 2.5 children whose lives are destined to become as mundane as my own. No dear friends, I choose to adopt 100 thousand cats and wind up on an episode of animal hoarders, that is if I don't wind up the subject matter of an episode of Intervention first (for my addiction to doilies and soft, luxurious throw blankets that are on sale at Bed Bath and Beyond ). But don't cry for me Eastern North Carolina, I feel liberated! So much so that I intend to go outside and burn the training bra I have owned and proudly worn since age 12.
5.) The last little tid bit of my life I will share with you cyber world and cyber friends: I have come to the conclusion that cows are the illegitimate offspring of Dr. Oz and Oprah Winfrey. It makes perfect sense. What has a big mouth, invades the earth with enough methane gas to run a small country for at least 3 months and weighs more than a small tank? OPRAH! What eats grass, makes loud, incoherent noises and is so regular you can set your watch by it?? DR. OZ!! Put them together and you get a species of the bovine variety! I have done it friends. I have found the missing link and the missing link resides on the Oprah Winfrey Network. I can't believe I haven't discovered this sooner. I feel like I am losing my edge in my old age. Hopefully I will get it back soon because 30 IS the new 20 and men like older women now thanks to Ashton Kutcher and the Biebs. (Still NOT getting married though. Unless it's to Harry Potter. But he has to wear the glasses or it's over.)
Well, now that you have been invited to share in the ponderings of the Pokey once again, I hope you feel more intuned with my reality and yours. Until we meet again - or until I have the energy to type more than the 400 characters that make up a facebook post - hasta la vista, baby.
