I have got 60 jillion problems but only about 30 minutes before I have to jet off to bigger and better things (that's a lie - problem #1 - have developed a lying pathology). I wish I had the time to share them all with you, but I am meeting with Obama today to discuss campaign strategy (LIE!) before competing in the Olympic decathalon (LIE!). Thus, I will only devulge 5 of my 60 jillion problems to keep this post brief and, naturally, all about me. Only 5 of My 60 Jillion Problems Because I am Super Busy and Needed in the E.R. (LIE!):
1.) I am a pathological liar now (see above): New development. I can't seem to speak the truth. I feel like the opposite of Jim Carrey in Liar, Liar. Which does mean that I may actually be funny. Try as I may, I can't stop telling people things like, "Bankruptcy is a good thing."; "No, good parents can still smoke pot. In fact, it's better to the blow it in the kid's face at home so you know they aren't driving anywhere."; and "Of course I care about your feelings." Some may say it goes with my chosen career. I say, "Since when is a Hooters waitress also required to be a psychologist?" (Though many are in nursing school...) I need help.
2.) My hair is falling out at an alarming rate and I am seriously considering joining the Hair Club for Men: I have a lot of stress in my life right now - I mean a TON. I have to do things like pay bills, order my own food and actually pump my own gas. I never realized how hard it is to force the diesel pump into an unleaded tank. But I persevered in that endeavor, after only one hernia. All this stress has caused me to develop male patterned baldness. I even had a nightmare that I was beginning to resemble Prince William. On the bright side, if I join the Hair Club for Men, I may have the chance to meet my future ex-husband. He will at least sympathize with my plight and we can spend hours together lamenting the passing of our hairlines.
3.) I really want to scream out "Wipe that Face Off Your Head" at random people on the street: For some reason I have become a very angry, bitter person. Perhaps it is a direct result of my lactose intolerance. Ben and Jerry's is a woman's birthright - one which I am now denied. I am generally not a violent person. I haven't punched anyone in the throat in at least 3 weeks. But still, I have an insatiable urge to just scream at people, mostly geriatrics and small children. I should really look into meditation and/or illicit drug therapies.
4.) Too many other people have problems: This is a huge issue for me. When other people have problems, it diminishes the attention that I can get for my problems. I am sorry that your husband left you for another woman - I have a splinter in my butt. I am sorry that you lost your job and are now forced to work as a day laborer on a Lima Bean farm - I can't seem to get a direct line to Channing Tatum's cell phone. You see, I have much bigger, more impressive problems than most people. This means I need others to stop being so selfish about theirs and focus all their attention on mine. For shame people!
5.) I am too good looking: It's a fact I have had to deal with since I was, well, born. I have always been much better looking and overall more fabulous than anyone else I have ever met. I struggled with it in my youth - when everyone else was suffering through the ugly duckling stage, I never once batted one of my long, full, beautiful eyelashes. The problem has become more acute in my 30's as many of my contemporaries have aged less than gracefully. I truly believe there is a conspiracy against such ridiculously good looking people as myself. We are ostracized, chastised and scourned regularly. We cannot go one single day without someone making a comment to the effect of "What do you know about ugly. You have no idea what it is like to be common." Truth is, I don't. But I can imagine it isn't very nice. I just wish that sometimes people would look beyond my striking aesthetics and see the person I really am - A godlike creature with a heart of gold. No wait, that would be a heart of platinum.
I guess I shared 5 of my 60 jillion problems with you today to illustrate that I, too, am human. Despite what popular tabloids seem to claim. I hope this enables you to understand me a teensy bit better. If not, then whatever. I got 60 jillion problems and a biddy ain't one.
