Mommy issues. If they weren’t so darn pervasive, they wouldn’t exist in the idiomatic world. Most people have them, if not all people, at least to some extent. Even Rory Gilmore eventually developed some, after spending years making out with Loralei on the couch.
There comes a point in everyone’s life where you wake up and realize that you now are better and wiser than your parents. Once you get to this point, there is only one possible course of action: Alienate them as they have become a liability on the path towards true happiness and life success. To do this, I would suggest initiating a conversation wherein the only goal is to blame them for everything that has ever happened in your life. A conversation could go something like this:
“Ring, ring.”
“Hello.”
“Hi, mom, it’s me.”
“Oh hi darling. My, it’s been quite a while. How are you doing? Your father and I were worried.”
“Well, mom, that is just it. I haven’t been in touch with you recently because I have had to think about some things. Yeah, so I was reflecting on my childhood while looking up porn and maxing out my credit cards on the net and I came to a realization: I hate my life. I was teased relentlessly growing up because you birthed me and your genetics made me a gapped-toothed, short-sighted geek. Your choice of clothing for me provided hours and hours and years of fodder for my classmates who delighted in belittling me and calling me names such as “Jan Brady” and “reject.” They also liked to remind me that you didn’t love me, which makes sense considering how you insisted that I tuck my shirt into my pants which you pulled up to my armpits. Based upon my childhood experiences, I was socially retarded entering college and was unable to mature at the rate of my peers. My self-confidence level has always been low and, because of that, I have failed in many, many things. I don’t trust, I don’t love, and I haven’t accomplished anything, other than coming to the realization that you and dad are the source of my misery. I hate you. I wish you were dead and, as soon as I hang up, I hope to never speak to you again.”
“Click.”
Of course, the more general you can be, the better it is for you. If you begin to go into details, then you run the risk of having to admit to some of the good things that your parents have done for you over the years. And heaven forbid they denote a scintilla of gratitude. You'll never be rid of them if they do...
You see, the truth of the matter is that (despite what our former selves thought) parents are actually fallible people. Eureka! Say it ain’t so. I know. Hard as the pill is to swallow, it’s true. Just ask the thousands of psychologists out there whose couches contain the remnants of parental miscues.
It doesn’t matter though.
Your parents are solely responsible for everything you have done and will ever do in your life. Unless it is positive, then you have done it all on your own, regardless of any financial or emotional support you may have received from those ultimately responsible for your presence on this earth. And regardless of what President Obama says...
Blame the rents for your failure to be the next Bill Gates or Kate Moss. If you want to rid yourself of them, blast the horn of anguish and hatred! A word of forewarning: Parents are particularly challenging to get rid of because of a thing called “love.” Silly though it may seem, parents actually love their children and this is sometimes despite how their children treat them.
Bottom Line: If you wanna cut the umbilical chord, you gotta be rough about it. Take no prisoners and show no weakness. If all else fails...waterboard.
Sunday, August 5, 2012
Friday, August 3, 2012
5 Suggestions for Sports for the Next Summer Olympics
I have become rather bored with the selection of athletic competitions in the 2012 Summer Games. Not that I am surprised by this. I think the Olympics have regressed in their "excitement" value as time has passed. I'm sure the first games were much more tantalizing with tanned, naked sportsmen running around with nothing but laurels atop their heads and motivated by the threat of death by lion if they lost. As a way of spicing it up, I have some suggestions for awesome competions to add to the lineup of boring for 2016. Of course, some might not agree with my choices, but, then again, some people also eat bugs for dinner. I don't judge.
1.) Rap Battles: It would be so much fun to watch the world's elite rap artists battle it out on the Olympic Stage. So much potential here. I'm thinking Gold, Silver and Bronze grillz for the winners would be a nice touch. The losers serve 5-10 years. The only drawback is that it would be hard for, say, an American and a Frenchman to understand eachother enough to compete, unless they wear those UN headsets that provide simultaneous translations. Though if a Frenchman is speaking, he probably isn't saying anything of value anyway. At a minimum, I think we can all agree that seeing 50 Cent in the opening ceremony costume would be brilliant! Observe...
2.) Eating competition: What better way to add an element of popular culture to the Olympics. It's about time that those few who can swallow 10 pounds of food in 5 minutes receive the respect they deserve. Adam Richmond could even provide play by play commentary. It's time we are honest with ourselves and admit that gluttony is here to stay. Why not celebrate that fact? The best part: Instead of a podium, the winners could simply stand on the stomachs of the losers!
3.) Extreme Couponing: Whoever says that couponing is not a contact sport should talk to the soccer mom who was stabbed with a pair of safety scissors over a $0.25 Little Debbie Snack Cake coupon. Oh the humanity. This competition would provide homemakers the false hope that their lives are actually interesting and worthy of world attention. Such hope would in turn keep them from suffering depression and becoming alcoholics and/or Xanax abusers. Competitors would naturally be disqualified for using uber sharp scissors and prison made shanks. Prior to this, the only competition that even remotely utilized the skills of homemakers was Curling, where they sweep ice (fun........). It took me 2 hours to think of the name of that "sport", an obvious indication that it lacks widespread appeal.
4.) Beer Pong: If anyone has ever been to Oktoberfest, you will note that there is nothing that brings people of different cultures, religions, nationalities, and ethnicities together better than Beer. Seriously, I tried to keep track of the number of different nationalities I was either kissed by, hugged by, or proposed to when I attended and I lost track at 15. In hindsight I should have taken a particular someone up on his offer of marriage and a goat, but I digress. As an added benefit, Beer Pong would completely bring the games back to their amateur glory days as who better to represent their countries than teams of Co-Eds? I thought alternatively of suggesting Cow Tipping, but I think India would have a huge problem with that.
5.) Kama Sutra: Yes, I saved the best suggestion for last. This would be the hottest ticket in town and the hardest one to get! Furthermore, what says exceptionalism more than successfully undertaking 200 different "positions" in 10 minutes. Could you imagine a more amazing fete of athleticism requiring such endurance, stamina and flexibility?? No, of course you can't. Additionally, this is an event that is both entertaining and pedagogic. Unless you are a nun, priest, monk, or are otherwise celibate. Oh and did I mention the prizes would be Gold, Silver and Bronze tassels (which would have obvious tax benefits for the Americans, should they win).
And finally, not a sport but rather more of an innovation: Kim Kardashian should be the pommel horse for the gymnastics competition. Just ponder that for a hot minute.
1.) Rap Battles: It would be so much fun to watch the world's elite rap artists battle it out on the Olympic Stage. So much potential here. I'm thinking Gold, Silver and Bronze grillz for the winners would be a nice touch. The losers serve 5-10 years. The only drawback is that it would be hard for, say, an American and a Frenchman to understand eachother enough to compete, unless they wear those UN headsets that provide simultaneous translations. Though if a Frenchman is speaking, he probably isn't saying anything of value anyway. At a minimum, I think we can all agree that seeing 50 Cent in the opening ceremony costume would be brilliant! Observe...
2.) Eating competition: What better way to add an element of popular culture to the Olympics. It's about time that those few who can swallow 10 pounds of food in 5 minutes receive the respect they deserve. Adam Richmond could even provide play by play commentary. It's time we are honest with ourselves and admit that gluttony is here to stay. Why not celebrate that fact? The best part: Instead of a podium, the winners could simply stand on the stomachs of the losers!
3.) Extreme Couponing: Whoever says that couponing is not a contact sport should talk to the soccer mom who was stabbed with a pair of safety scissors over a $0.25 Little Debbie Snack Cake coupon. Oh the humanity. This competition would provide homemakers the false hope that their lives are actually interesting and worthy of world attention. Such hope would in turn keep them from suffering depression and becoming alcoholics and/or Xanax abusers. Competitors would naturally be disqualified for using uber sharp scissors and prison made shanks. Prior to this, the only competition that even remotely utilized the skills of homemakers was Curling, where they sweep ice (fun........). It took me 2 hours to think of the name of that "sport", an obvious indication that it lacks widespread appeal.
4.) Beer Pong: If anyone has ever been to Oktoberfest, you will note that there is nothing that brings people of different cultures, religions, nationalities, and ethnicities together better than Beer. Seriously, I tried to keep track of the number of different nationalities I was either kissed by, hugged by, or proposed to when I attended and I lost track at 15. In hindsight I should have taken a particular someone up on his offer of marriage and a goat, but I digress. As an added benefit, Beer Pong would completely bring the games back to their amateur glory days as who better to represent their countries than teams of Co-Eds? I thought alternatively of suggesting Cow Tipping, but I think India would have a huge problem with that.
5.) Kama Sutra: Yes, I saved the best suggestion for last. This would be the hottest ticket in town and the hardest one to get! Furthermore, what says exceptionalism more than successfully undertaking 200 different "positions" in 10 minutes. Could you imagine a more amazing fete of athleticism requiring such endurance, stamina and flexibility?? No, of course you can't. Additionally, this is an event that is both entertaining and pedagogic. Unless you are a nun, priest, monk, or are otherwise celibate. Oh and did I mention the prizes would be Gold, Silver and Bronze tassels (which would have obvious tax benefits for the Americans, should they win).
And finally, not a sport but rather more of an innovation: Kim Kardashian should be the pommel horse for the gymnastics competition. Just ponder that for a hot minute.
Tuesday, July 31, 2012
60 Jillion Problems
I have got 60 jillion problems but only about 30 minutes before I have to jet off to bigger and better things (that's a lie - problem #1 - have developed a lying pathology). I wish I had the time to share them all with you, but I am meeting with Obama today to discuss campaign strategy (LIE!) before competing in the Olympic decathalon (LIE!). Thus, I will only devulge 5 of my 60 jillion problems to keep this post brief and, naturally, all about me. Only 5 of My 60 Jillion Problems Because I am Super Busy and Needed in the E.R. (LIE!):
1.) I am a pathological liar now (see above): New development. I can't seem to speak the truth. I feel like the opposite of Jim Carrey in Liar, Liar. Which does mean that I may actually be funny. Try as I may, I can't stop telling people things like, "Bankruptcy is a good thing."; "No, good parents can still smoke pot. In fact, it's better to the blow it in the kid's face at home so you know they aren't driving anywhere."; and "Of course I care about your feelings." Some may say it goes with my chosen career. I say, "Since when is a Hooters waitress also required to be a psychologist?" (Though many are in nursing school...) I need help.
2.) My hair is falling out at an alarming rate and I am seriously considering joining the Hair Club for Men: I have a lot of stress in my life right now - I mean a TON. I have to do things like pay bills, order my own food and actually pump my own gas. I never realized how hard it is to force the diesel pump into an unleaded tank. But I persevered in that endeavor, after only one hernia. All this stress has caused me to develop male patterned baldness. I even had a nightmare that I was beginning to resemble Prince William. On the bright side, if I join the Hair Club for Men, I may have the chance to meet my future ex-husband. He will at least sympathize with my plight and we can spend hours together lamenting the passing of our hairlines.
3.) I really want to scream out "Wipe that Face Off Your Head" at random people on the street: For some reason I have become a very angry, bitter person. Perhaps it is a direct result of my lactose intolerance. Ben and Jerry's is a woman's birthright - one which I am now denied. I am generally not a violent person. I haven't punched anyone in the throat in at least 3 weeks. But still, I have an insatiable urge to just scream at people, mostly geriatrics and small children. I should really look into meditation and/or illicit drug therapies.
4.) Too many other people have problems: This is a huge issue for me. When other people have problems, it diminishes the attention that I can get for my problems. I am sorry that your husband left you for another woman - I have a splinter in my butt. I am sorry that you lost your job and are now forced to work as a day laborer on a Lima Bean farm - I can't seem to get a direct line to Channing Tatum's cell phone. You see, I have much bigger, more impressive problems than most people. This means I need others to stop being so selfish about theirs and focus all their attention on mine. For shame people!
5.) I am too good looking: It's a fact I have had to deal with since I was, well, born. I have always been much better looking and overall more fabulous than anyone else I have ever met. I struggled with it in my youth - when everyone else was suffering through the ugly duckling stage, I never once batted one of my long, full, beautiful eyelashes. The problem has become more acute in my 30's as many of my contemporaries have aged less than gracefully. I truly believe there is a conspiracy against such ridiculously good looking people as myself. We are ostracized, chastised and scourned regularly. We cannot go one single day without someone making a comment to the effect of "What do you know about ugly. You have no idea what it is like to be common." Truth is, I don't. But I can imagine it isn't very nice. I just wish that sometimes people would look beyond my striking aesthetics and see the person I really am - A godlike creature with a heart of gold. No wait, that would be a heart of platinum.
I guess I shared 5 of my 60 jillion problems with you today to illustrate that I, too, am human. Despite what popular tabloids seem to claim. I hope this enables you to understand me a teensy bit better. If not, then whatever. I got 60 jillion problems and a biddy ain't one.
1.) I am a pathological liar now (see above): New development. I can't seem to speak the truth. I feel like the opposite of Jim Carrey in Liar, Liar. Which does mean that I may actually be funny. Try as I may, I can't stop telling people things like, "Bankruptcy is a good thing."; "No, good parents can still smoke pot. In fact, it's better to the blow it in the kid's face at home so you know they aren't driving anywhere."; and "Of course I care about your feelings." Some may say it goes with my chosen career. I say, "Since when is a Hooters waitress also required to be a psychologist?" (Though many are in nursing school...) I need help.
2.) My hair is falling out at an alarming rate and I am seriously considering joining the Hair Club for Men: I have a lot of stress in my life right now - I mean a TON. I have to do things like pay bills, order my own food and actually pump my own gas. I never realized how hard it is to force the diesel pump into an unleaded tank. But I persevered in that endeavor, after only one hernia. All this stress has caused me to develop male patterned baldness. I even had a nightmare that I was beginning to resemble Prince William. On the bright side, if I join the Hair Club for Men, I may have the chance to meet my future ex-husband. He will at least sympathize with my plight and we can spend hours together lamenting the passing of our hairlines.
3.) I really want to scream out "Wipe that Face Off Your Head" at random people on the street: For some reason I have become a very angry, bitter person. Perhaps it is a direct result of my lactose intolerance. Ben and Jerry's is a woman's birthright - one which I am now denied. I am generally not a violent person. I haven't punched anyone in the throat in at least 3 weeks. But still, I have an insatiable urge to just scream at people, mostly geriatrics and small children. I should really look into meditation and/or illicit drug therapies.
4.) Too many other people have problems: This is a huge issue for me. When other people have problems, it diminishes the attention that I can get for my problems. I am sorry that your husband left you for another woman - I have a splinter in my butt. I am sorry that you lost your job and are now forced to work as a day laborer on a Lima Bean farm - I can't seem to get a direct line to Channing Tatum's cell phone. You see, I have much bigger, more impressive problems than most people. This means I need others to stop being so selfish about theirs and focus all their attention on mine. For shame people!
5.) I am too good looking: It's a fact I have had to deal with since I was, well, born. I have always been much better looking and overall more fabulous than anyone else I have ever met. I struggled with it in my youth - when everyone else was suffering through the ugly duckling stage, I never once batted one of my long, full, beautiful eyelashes. The problem has become more acute in my 30's as many of my contemporaries have aged less than gracefully. I truly believe there is a conspiracy against such ridiculously good looking people as myself. We are ostracized, chastised and scourned regularly. We cannot go one single day without someone making a comment to the effect of "What do you know about ugly. You have no idea what it is like to be common." Truth is, I don't. But I can imagine it isn't very nice. I just wish that sometimes people would look beyond my striking aesthetics and see the person I really am - A godlike creature with a heart of gold. No wait, that would be a heart of platinum.
I guess I shared 5 of my 60 jillion problems with you today to illustrate that I, too, am human. Despite what popular tabloids seem to claim. I hope this enables you to understand me a teensy bit better. If not, then whatever. I got 60 jillion problems and a biddy ain't one.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)