Sunday, August 5, 2012

How to Alienate your Parents.

Mommy issues. If they weren’t so darn pervasive, they wouldn’t exist in the idiomatic world. Most people have them, if not all people, at least to some extent. Even Rory Gilmore eventually developed some, after spending years making out with Loralei on the couch.

There comes a point in everyone’s life where you wake up and realize that you now are better and wiser than your parents. Once you get to this point, there is only one possible course of action: Alienate them as they have become a liability on the path towards true happiness and life success. To do this, I would suggest initiating a conversation wherein the only goal is to blame them for everything that has ever happened in your life. A conversation could go something like this:

“Ring, ring.”


“Hi, mom, it’s me.”

“Oh hi darling. My, it’s been quite a while. How are you doing? Your father and I were worried.”

“Well, mom, that is just it. I haven’t been in touch with you recently because I have had to think about some things. Yeah, so I was reflecting on my childhood while looking up porn and maxing out my credit cards on the net and I came to a realization: I hate my life. I was teased relentlessly growing up because you birthed me and your genetics made me a gapped-toothed, short-sighted geek. Your choice of clothing for me provided hours and hours and years of fodder for my classmates who delighted in belittling me and calling me names such as “Jan Brady” and “reject.” They also liked to remind me that you didn’t love me, which makes sense considering how you insisted that I tuck my shirt into my pants which you pulled up to my armpits. Based upon my childhood experiences, I was socially retarded entering college and was unable to mature at the rate of my peers. My self-confidence level has always been low and, because of that, I have failed in many, many things. I don’t trust, I don’t love, and I haven’t accomplished anything, other than coming to the realization that you and dad are the source of my misery. I hate you. I wish you were dead and, as soon as I hang up, I hope to never speak to you again.”


Of course, the more general you can be, the better it is for you. If you begin to go into details, then you run the risk of having to admit to some of the good things that your parents have done for you over the years. And heaven forbid they denote a scintilla of gratitude. You'll never be rid of them if they do...

You see, the truth of the matter is that (despite what our former selves thought) parents are actually fallible people. Eureka! Say it ain’t so. I know. Hard as the pill is to swallow, it’s true. Just ask the thousands of psychologists out there whose couches contain the remnants of parental miscues.

It doesn’t matter though.

Your parents are solely responsible for everything you have done and will ever do in your life. Unless it is positive, then you have done it all on your own, regardless of any financial or emotional support you may have received from those ultimately responsible for your presence on this earth. And regardless of what President Obama says...

Blame the rents for your failure to be the next Bill Gates or Kate Moss. If you want to rid yourself of them, blast the horn of anguish and hatred! A word of forewarning: Parents are particularly challenging to get rid of because of a thing called “love.” Silly though it may seem, parents actually love their children and this is sometimes despite how their children treat them.

Bottom Line: If you wanna cut the umbilical chord, you gotta be rough about it. Take no prisoners and show no weakness. If all else fails...waterboard.


  1. Gee, I wasted all that fear, sarcasm, ridicule, and guilt oner those many years. Well, before you go your own way, remember that any success you have in life is not of your own making, someone else did it for you, at least it is so in the world our president lives in.

    ...and tuck in that shirt!

  2. :-) Haha! I promise I won't alienate you...unless you tick me off. ;-) LOVE YOU!