1.) Rap Battles: It would be so much fun to watch the world's elite rap artists battle it out on the Olympic Stage. So much potential here. I'm thinking Gold, Silver and Bronze grillz for the winners would be a nice touch. The losers serve 5-10 years. The only drawback is that it would be hard for, say, an American and a Frenchman to understand eachother enough to compete, unless they wear those UN headsets that provide simultaneous translations. Though if a Frenchman is speaking, he probably isn't saying anything of value anyway. At a minimum, I think we can all agree that seeing 50 Cent in the opening ceremony costume would be brilliant! Observe...
2.) Eating competition: What better way to add an element of popular culture to the Olympics. It's about time that those few who can swallow 10 pounds of food in 5 minutes receive the respect they deserve. Adam Richmond could even provide play by play commentary. It's time we are honest with ourselves and admit that gluttony is here to stay. Why not celebrate that fact? The best part: Instead of a podium, the winners could simply stand on the stomachs of the losers!
3.) Extreme Couponing: Whoever says that couponing is not a contact sport should talk to the soccer mom who was stabbed with a pair of safety scissors over a $0.25 Little Debbie Snack Cake coupon. Oh the humanity. This competition would provide homemakers the false hope that their lives are actually interesting and worthy of world attention. Such hope would in turn keep them from suffering depression and becoming alcoholics and/or Xanax abusers. Competitors would naturally be disqualified for using uber sharp scissors and prison made shanks. Prior to this, the only competition that even remotely utilized the skills of homemakers was Curling, where they sweep ice (fun........). It took me 2 hours to think of the name of that "sport", an obvious indication that it lacks widespread appeal.
4.) Beer Pong: If anyone has ever been to Oktoberfest, you will note that there is nothing that brings people of different cultures, religions, nationalities, and ethnicities together better than Beer. Seriously, I tried to keep track of the number of different nationalities I was either kissed by, hugged by, or proposed to when I attended and I lost track at 15. In hindsight I should have taken a particular someone up on his offer of marriage and a goat, but I digress. As an added benefit, Beer Pong would completely bring the games back to their amateur glory days as who better to represent their countries than teams of Co-Eds? I thought alternatively of suggesting Cow Tipping, but I think India would have a huge problem with that.
5.) Kama Sutra: Yes, I saved the best suggestion for last. This would be the hottest ticket in town and the hardest one to get! Furthermore, what says exceptionalism more than successfully undertaking 200 different "positions" in 10 minutes. Could you imagine a more amazing fete of athleticism requiring such endurance, stamina and flexibility?? No, of course you can't. Additionally, this is an event that is both entertaining and pedagogic. Unless you are a nun, priest, monk, or are otherwise celibate. Oh and did I mention the prizes would be Gold, Silver and Bronze tassels (which would have obvious tax benefits for the Americans, should they win).
And finally, not a sport but rather more of an innovation: Kim Kardashian should be the pommel horse for the gymnastics competition. Just ponder that for a hot minute.
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