Health Alert: 20 oz Soda Bottles that Are Too Hard to Open (AKA Why cans are better)

Let me start off by saying: I hate scare-media, in fact, I tend to do the opposite of what the Evening News tells me to do – for principle, naturally. While TV broadcasts and newspapers droned on and on about the Swine Flu or the Anthrax, I made it a point to lick handrails and open suspicious mail. However, this time I must make an exception. Read on.

It has come to my attention that there is a new health risk that directly affects 99% of non-Amish America: 20 oz. Soda Bottles. Indeed, horrific and sensational statistics developed from the mind of yours truly following minutes of careful and tedious reflection while watching Monday night football conclude that more Americans are injured by 20 oz. soda bottles than are eaten by gangs of angry mutant ninja turtles each year or than get their news from any other source.

The perils of 20 oz. soda bottle use are many. If shaken, the top could be blown from the base of the bottle all together. The trajectory of its launch could lead to eye loss. Worse yet, if the drink is accidentally/purposefully shaken too hard, the whole thing could go, creating a mushroom cloud above Cincinnati that makes Hiroshima look like a day in the park. The destruction from the explosion and subsequent firestorm is just too awful to describe. I just hope that there are no women with breast implants within a 20-mile radius of the epicenter.

Even worse, the bubbly goodness could fizz up as you open the bottle, causing the liquid to completely soak your shirt as you head to interview for your dream job, leaving you with a soiled appearance and no time to change. Long story short: You don’t get the job and within 6 months have to file for bankruptcy and spend the rest of your working life selling string door to door. The boy or girl you thought was “the one” dumps you and moves in with your former best friend. A la Bridget Jones, you wind up alone and eaten by wild dogs. No one finds you or even attempts to look for you until the stench permeating from your apartment becomes unbearable.

You might laugh and say, “Lol. O-M-G. That would never happen to me.” (Oooh, I rhymed!) That, my friend, would be a mistake. What do you think is the real reason there are so many out of work individuals in this country? Think about that the next time you watch the news, sponsored in part by Pepsi…

All those things would make a bad day worse. But the most horrific injury of all occurs when the factory attaches the cap too tight, making it almost impossible to twist off. You spend hours in agony attempting to open the bottle in order to indulge in the sweet, sweet nectar that is contained within. You grunt and you turn. You scream and you turn. Nothing works. You try switching hands or putting the thing between your knees, or you give up altogether and slam the top on the counter in a last-ditch attempt to knock the seal loose and are again denied.

You throw the whole zeug in the trash can (unrecyclable because it contains liquids), thereby killing the planet and wasting $1.49 + tax as well as the opportunity to win a free soda if your secret code (which you can’t see because it is located under the cap) is a winner. Any way you go at it, you wind up tearing off half of the skin on your hand and bleeding like a stuck pig. Congratulations, you also now must deal with carpel tunnel the rest of your miserable, caffeine denied existence.

I wonder: If the soda companies had placed a larger version of the 20 oz cap on the Gulf Oil Rig, would there have been a leak? Hmmmm. Deep thoughts.

It is time we stand up against this offense to humanity known as the hard screw. Demand that soda bottles come from factories reasonably able to be opened. Be vigilant and remain on the lookout for people attempting to open these bottles and stop them before it is too late! Do your part to make this great nation of ours once again safe for soda drinkers!

Join me, friends! I want to live in a country where I can enjoy carbonated beverages without fear of death or bodily harm! I want my soda! In a can!

-Pokey