A History of Myself by Me Part 2

Rewinding to the 'yada' part of my original March 2010 post, aptly titled A History of Myself by Me Part 1, I thought I should refrain from such further ambiguity and provide a few more details of my past. In this installment, I will explain how I created the lottery. Yes, the Powerball, the Mega Millions, the enticing scratchers!! I created them. And here is how:

This one day when I was 12, I was walking home from school. I didn't have shoes back then because all the leather was confiscated by the government in an effort to resolve the tension between freedom of religion and Sado-Masichism. So I was walking - and it was up hill both ways because the world was flat and rested on a fulcrum, which is a fancy schmanzy word for an upside down triangle. I like using fancy words to show how smart I am - and because I also like dictionary.com. But, I digress. At any rate, don't believe the hype. Ol' Chris Columbus didn't discover the world was round. It didn't become round until the start of the Oprah Winfrey Show in the 1980's (for reasons that are still highly classified).

Anyways, while walking I came upon a magical elf who first accused me of stealing all his lucky charms. I told him that was impossible as my parents refused to purchase sugary cereals and I much preferred the prizes at the bottom of Honey Nut Cheerios packages instead. After hearing this, he felt bad and told me he'd grant me 2 wishes. I asked why not 3. But he said that would be greedy and that the whole 3 wish thing was a major falsehood perpetuated by the Media and Disney's Aladin. It had always been 2.

I thought about it and for my first wish, I wished for all of America's wealth. The Elf laughed and asked me if I was sure...I said of course and he granted my wish. Turns out, America isn't really wealthy...So now, after 7 years of college, I do, indeed, possess a large portion of the national debt.

So I thought I'd try again. This time I asked for 100 million dollars. Again, I blundered. You see, the elf, well, he was a socialist elf, borderline communist and couldn't, in good conscience, grant my wish as such. He proposed, instead, to create a lottery so that everyone would have a fair shot and convenience stores would still get business once gas pumps all become pre-pay with card.

Seeing the logic in his proposal, I agreed. And that, my friends, is how I single handedly created the lottery. You're welcome. And for all of you out there who claim that the lottery is responsible for the deterioration of societal values and for the creation of gambling addiction and for taking the money out of the pockets of hard-working unemployed people dreaming of the fast road to abundant wealth with the least amount of pit stops along the way: You are welcome, too. What good is moral superiority without something to complain about?