Interview Tips to Land the Job of Your Dreams!

For all of you job seekers out there, you know the stress that comes with the interview process. You meet the recruiter and size him or her up, realizing that he or she is the Gate Keeper to the job of your dreams, or at least one that will pay the bills. When researching interview strategies, each and every source makes it a point to stress how important it is to stand out. They then go on to suggest answers to the most common interview questions – and they are all the same. So, how can you stand out?

Don’t follow the advice you read. Follow mine.

Recruiters are trained and paid to read between the lines of what you say. So let’s put THEM to the test and see if they are doing their job. Here are 3 of the most common interview questions and the answers that I think will set you apart from the other 250 gajillion applicants for the same position.

DISCLAIMER: I do not promise that you will get the job if you use my suggestions. In fact, you will probably be blacklisted and will never again get an interview. However, so long as the government keeps extending unemployment benefits, you should be okay.

Question #1: How do others describe you?

Best Answer: I am amazing in bed.

Never in the history of answers can five small words say more about you and why you are highly qualified for any job on the planet. What do these words really mean? Well, here are just a few of the many qualities a good recruiter will derive from those words, assuming he or she can read between the proverbial lines.

What it says about you:
A. I play very well with others.
B. I am willing to go all night to get the job done right.
C. I can both take direction and anticipate what is needed from me.
D. I am willing to try new things and am innovative enough to come up with a few of them on my own.
E. And, finally, the clincher: I can please even the toughest clients.

Question #2: Tell me about your greatest weakness.

Best Answer: I can’t cook.

Although this answer may lack the raciness of the last, it is still a great answer. Most people try to turn a weakness into a strength or choose something benign and then elaborate on how they’ve taken steps to fix it. Trust me, it won’t work. Everyone and their mother attempts this and recruiters are prepared to call your bluff. An example: Sometimes I focus too much. That answer is about as convincing as a used car dealer telling you that the 1993 Cadillac with rims, fuzzy dice thrown over the rear view mirror, and bullet holes on the side was only driven by a little old lady to get to church on Sundays. I say, why not state a weakness that doesn’t need to be fixed! Again, if the recruiter is doing his or her job, prepare to sign the work contract.

What it says about you:

A. I have never had the time to learn to cook because I have been so focused on my education/career.
B. I won’t mind eating dinner at my desk, purchased from the snack machine in the lobby, because it is probably better than anything I could make at home.
C. My refrigerator is really just a holding cell for beer, white wine and Lean Cuisines, which means I have nothing to go home to anyways, so why not work.
D. I could care less about involving myself in activities that take time away from work and could possibly be relaxing. I’d much rather throw myself into my career and sacrifice my personal life as well as my health. Eventually, I will die of a stress-induced heart attack, but not before giving you the best 20 years of my life. Of course, this will occur before I reach retirement age, which will save the company thousands of dollars as I will never tap into my pension.

Question #3: Why do you want to work for this company?

Best Answer: I had a vision and in it, God told me to work here.

How could they turn you down? God commanded it.

What it says about you:

A. You are the chosen one.
B. You are quite possibly delusional, which means you are both highly creative and will be a lot of fun at the office Christmas party.
C. You can turn the Culligan bottle into wine, thus making casual Fridays even more awesome then when employees where first allowed to wear jeans and polos.
D. Not hiring you could result in either a plague or a swarm of locusts descending upon the office, which legal ramifications the company will be unable to absorb.

I hope this helps all you job searchers out there! Even if you don’t get the job, I guarantee that you will be among the most memorable, if not the most memorable, interviewee the recruiter has ever met.

Cheers.

- Pokey