Dear Mexican Drug Lords,
It has come to my attention that the violence in re: Drug related squabbles in Mexico has reached an all-time high. More people are being senselessly murdered daily than watched the Season Premiere of Dancing with the Stars. So, in an effort to change the course and to make Mexico once again safe for burrito-loving, scantily clad, drunken Spring Breakers everywhere: Here I am, just a girl, sitting behind my laptop in the safety of parents' middle class neighborhood - far, far away from the border - asking all the Mexican Drug Lords to please stop the violence (and if you happen to have a great Margarita recipe, please send it this way as well).
I think there is a better way to earn money without having to kill people as well as to minimize the stress in your own lives. As a Mexican Drug Lord, you are on call 24/7. You have to hire more security than the President of the United States to make sure that you are not offed. And even that doesn’t necessarily mean you won’t find yourself being thrust against your will into a The Most Dangerous Game scenario and your head eventually displayed in someone’s den like a trophy next to the heads of deer, rhinos and various members of the family elephantidae.
Think about it. Capitalism is much better. If I were you, I would channel some of that creative energy you use to come up with new and exciting ways to torture your enemies into some legitimate and socially acceptable means of earning an honest living. There are so many benefits that one derives from legal pursuits. I am sure Puff Daddy would agree with me 100%.
Instead of a “cartel,” you’d have an “entourage,” which is so much more acceptable. All the good actors, divas and rap stars have them. Or, if you are tired of people, adopt about 50 dogs from the humane society and have them follow you around all day. Basically it’s the same thing: they kiss your butt and you give them handouts. Much cheaper though. Instead of Krystal and VIP lounges, you’d just have to provide kibbles and poop space. Plus, if a dog starts giving you trouble and urinates on your carpet or eats your favorite loafers, it’s okay to euthanize him.
Let’s look at this rationally. If you were CEO of a large multi-national corporation, sure you’d have to pay income tax, but if you were ever ousted by some backstabbing corporate climber, you’d have your golden parachute to make sure you landed safely on the other side – and, even more important, you’d still have your life! See, “backstabbing” in the corporate world doesn’t literally mean you’ll be stabbed in the back. It’s just a term. Look at Michael Ovits, after 14 months on the job, he got fired from Disney and walked away with a $140 million severance package. Yeah, he was whistling “When You Wish Upon a Star” – all the way to the bank. Even Tony Hayward, former CEO of BP amidst the Gulf Oil spill walked away with $1.6 million after only 3 years on the job as well as a $17.6 million pension. Say it with me: Ri-donk-u-lous.
Instead of calling out hits, you’ll spend your time holding super important teleconferences complete with coffee and bagels from your swank Manhattan office overlooking Central Park or Wall Street. You’ll be able to wear a horrific toupee and no one will say anything to you. And, if you “fire” someone, you won’t have to worry about leaving any fingerprints or ballistics testing because “firing” doesn’t actually entail pulling a trigger!
Your love life will also reap the rewards of you going straight. Instead of a wife or mistresses who only stay with you because they like having all their toes and other essential body parts, you’ll attract more “respectable” women. These women will be with you for your money alone, not because they want to live past age 50. (Word of warning: Pre-nup, Pre-nup, Pre-nup.)
How does one go straight after living a life of danger? Simple. Replace your guns with striped ties. Replace your bullet proof vests with 3 piece Armani suits. Replace your thugs with secretaries – oops, “assistants,” if you want to be PC, which you will need to be from now on. Sexual harassment suits are a biddy.
If you need some help tailoring your resume, then look no further. I have some great ideas on how to do so in order to effectively sell yourself and land the best job possible. Example:
Prior Work Experience
Position, Drug Lord: CEO, Family-Run Business, International Exporter of Locally Grown, Organic Herbs
- Oversaw manufacture and mass export of cocaine/marijuana/Viagra: Lead executive responsible for overseeing entire product development process, from manufacture to shipment.
- Had minions graffiti neighboring villages and break the legs of competitors/drug addicts who bought from someone else or decided to go to rehab: Implemented successful marketing schemes leading to an exponential increase in sales and client retention.
- Waged all-out turf war against rival cartels, leading to the violent deaths of hundreds of innocent persons caught in the cross-fire: Utilized corporate mechanisms in order to alleviate overcrowding in neighboring urban districts and to advance position of company in emerging markets.
Position, Drug Cartel Higher –Up: Vice-President of Operations
- Recruited drug mules to swallow balloons full of cocaine in order to smuggle them across the border without concern as to the health risks posed: Coordinated mass exportation of product through most cost-effective means
- Bribed local government officials: Headed legal compliance department.
- Kidnapped wealthy businessmen to hold for ransom and then executed them anyways: Developed comprehensive strategies to hedge primary profit outgrowths against unforeseen environmental detriments.
Position, Lackey: Corporate Support Personnel
- Chased down people who had wronged the cartel and gutted them like a fish, throwing their bodies into the Guadalupe River: Responsible for direct client communication in furtherance of the corporate mission leading to the successful resolution of problematic exchanges.
- Hacked into FAA computers to develop flight path for outgoing planes full of narcotics: Provided technical assistance for the initiation of essential transport procedures.
- Carried out hits on middlemen who failed to remit percentage of profits in timely fashion: Executed efficient collections procedures on overdue accounts, facilitating the recovery of earned profits.
Remember, only you can prevent drug related executions!
-Pokey
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