By now you know a lot about me: Who my real parents are, my adoption by Brangelina and subsequent return, my love of wine and hatred of Speidi and how I established democracy. But there are still some very important things you need to know. I also invented the Internet and came up with the name Titicaca. You are welcome.
They say a man by the name of J.C.R. Licklider came up with the Internet concept in the 1960's, calling it the Galactic Network, but I don't believe it. If that really were true, you think this urban legend would be about someone with a less ridiculous name than Licklider...please.
It was the summer of 1982 and I was not quite one year old. Back then, times were tougher than they are now and children had to grow up a lot faster.
Having already left school to pursue my goal of become a top baby model, I was playing with a telephone one morning in our super swanky suite at the Four Seasons awaiting the time to leave for my Gerber shoot. I would pick up the receiver and then put it down and then tap my fingers on the buttons. Yes, I had advanced dexterity for such a youngin. All of the sudden, it occurred to me that there should be a web of interconnected computers to allow for the free flow of ideas, almost simultaneous exchange of information the world over and easy access to concert tickets!
So I called my friend Radia Perlman and we, together, came up with the spanning tree algorithm to allow efficient bridging between separate networks. Obviously, without this innovation, the Internet would not be feasible. Then it was only a matter of applying Bob Kahn and Vint Cerf's Transmission Control Protocol and we were up and running.
Of course, I didn't get any notoriety for this because I couldn't let anyone know that I was a baby. They wouldn't have taken me seriously, even though by then I could have drunk anyone of them under the table without a hangover the next day and given anyone of them a verbal lashing the likes of which are unknown to English speakers with their measly 5-8 thousand word vocabularies. So, I muffled my voice with a handkerchief and went by the pseudonym William Henry Gates, III.
To settle another matter: Al Gore totally didn't invent the Internet. He didn't have time between being a 2-Term Number Two and inventing Global Warming. Plus, nobody this boring could possibly come up with something this exciting and useful. Bite me Al Gore. You can have your Go Green Campaign. I got the Google. Oh, and I totally threw a plastic bottle in the regular trash yesterday for spite. So there.
As far as the name Titicaca is concerned, let's just say I once met a cow in South America with a severe lactation anomaly...
-Pokey
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