I should have, but didn't. *Sigh* I could be rich by now.
1.) Sounds of the Ghetto: Available in CD, MP3 and Eight Track formats, this product will provide the comforting sounds of home for those who cannot be there.
Commercial:
You have heard of Sounds of the Seasons? How About Sounds of the Rainforest? Well, now, even our urban listeners will be able to fall asleep listening to the comfortable sounds of home be they in a foreign country, the suburbs or prison!! Yes, with Sounds of the Ghetto on your CD player tonight, you will drift off to dreamland with the warmth and comfort that only the sounds of big bass, rap music, 22-inch rims, police sirens and drive-bys can bring! So order today for the low, low, low price of $19.99 and we will throw in our other top sellers: Sounds of Afghanistan and Sounds of the Morgue for only $9.99 each! That’s cheaper than an ounce of the good stuff, a hocked Tommy Gun, or a black-market baby! (All orders subject to substitution at our discretion and if you are not home at delivery, your house will be robbed.)
2.) Baby “Oops I Did it Again!”: A baby doll for girls 10 and under and dirty old men that provides hours of realistic pooping with just one bottle of the Baby Oops I did it Again! Top-performance Doodie Maker (sold separately).
Commercial:
This Baby looks like Britney Spears, but smells like Danny Bonaduce after a night of boozing it up! Hours of fun for every girl who’s ever dreamed of being a mommy, LiLo’s personal assistant, or a CNA in a nursing home!! It’s Baby Oops I Did it Again!
Oh Baby Oops I Did it Again!
You pooped in your pants!
It smells like decay.
Oh Baby, baby.
Cleaning up is so fun,
What you shoot from your buuuuuuuuuuuum.
You Are Incontinent!
3.) The Weight Tazer: A wristband that detects the presence of fattening foods and electrically shocks the person wearing it when they come within 2 inches of such harbingers of obesity.
Commercial:
Can’t handle temptation? Tired of those annoying other ads that utilize B-List Celebrity spokespeople whose 15-minutes ended 15 years ago and then require you buy their tasteless food? No time for the gym, but tired of being a 2-ton heifer in a Kate Moss world? Well, look no further. Purchase the Weight Tazer and enjoy your life to the fullest like all the other skinnier and therefore more attractive and happier people!
Every time you reach for the Double Stufs or the Big Macs, you will get a shock of electricity that will render you completely unconscious and unable to remember your own name! By the time you wake up, you won’t feel hungry at all! As an added benefit, you will more than likely also lose control of your bodily functions, alleviating the need to purchase expensive at-home enemas and colon cleansers! The weight will fall off!
So purchase the Weight Tazer for the low price of $9.99 and taze those calories away!
(Warning: Could cause death, herpes, color-blindness or lead to the development of turrets, seizures, and naked visions of Dennis Hopper. Not available in Canada, Mexico or South Central L.A.)
4.) High School Drop-out Musical: A riveting musical based upon the lives of a group of High School Drop-outs! Teach your children that education isn’t everything
Commercial:
Iiiiiiiiit’s High School Drop-out Musical!! A movie the whole family can enjoy, starring Paris Hilton as Spacey, the late 20-something former head cheerleader raising her two illegitimate kids on a stripper’s salary; Zac Efron as Billy Bob, a gruff, yet lovable 16 year-old who left school freshman year to pursue his dreams of becoming a famous Rodeo Cowboy; Joe Jonas as Bobby Feelgood, a young Richard Branson-esque mini-mogul with a radio label and airline to his name at age 19; and Luke Perry, for no other reason than every good High School flick needs Luke Perry (playing an 18 year old cocaine addicted sanitation worker).
Your children will love the dancing, the excitement and learning about the amazing lives they could lead if they give up on the unrealistic belief that they will actually graduate from college and drop-out of high school!
Learn the words and sing along with the cast to such new classics as:
- “I’m down to My Last Dime and My Baby’s Gotta Eat – Calling on the WIC”
- “Let’s File for Unemployment Again!”
- “Tomorrow, Tomorrow, The Rent’s Due, Tomorrow”
- “Seasons of Ketchup”
- “Mothers Don’t Let Your Babies Grow Up to Be Doctors”
A movie your whole family will enjoy and one that you cannot live without. With more and more teens dropping out of high school each and every day, why not show them how great their lives will be! Buy High School Drop-out Musical today for your high school drop-outs of tomorrow at the economical price of $19.99! (Economical means cheap.)
5.) Bernie Madoff’s Guide To Investing: An instructional guide to getting the most out of embezzled money.
Commercial:
Have you had it up to your armpits working 40 + hours a week for a salary that would make an indentured servant want to hand you a donation? Tired of actually having to get dressed to go work because your boss cancelled Naked Casual Fridays, calling it a liability? Want to know how to get back your life and secure your financial future? Read Bernie Madoff’s Guide to Investing and start controlling your own destiny today!
Don’t worry about not having your own money to invest – the beauty of Madoff’s system is that you will make millions using other’s people’s hard earned cash! In his long-awaited book,* Bernie Madoff tells you exactly how to develop your pitch to potential investors, how to transfer their money to your personal off-shore banking accounts, and how not to get caught! It’s almost too good to be true and 100% based on his own experiences as the now most hated man in America!
What are you waiting for? Get out there and sooner than you think, you too can be enjoying the fruits of embezzlement without the worry of 25 years to life! Even your children will benefit from this book by reading the chapter entitled: Lunch Money: Change You Can Believe In. Your whole family can’t lose!
Buy it for yourself, or your loved ones for Christmas or Hanukah and you will be the hit of Holidays! Plus, order now, and you will receive two amazing free gifts: Bernie’s second book, “A White Collar Prison Survival Guide,” plus, a plush Bernie Madoff stuffed toy. A $1.25 value for FREE!!
(All proceeds go to the Bernie Madoff Legal Defense Fund.)
* Publication was delayed due to the fact that the author was only given pencil and paper to write with while in prison and thus, all pages had to be transcribed at a later date
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