Thank you, Mr. Tom Cruise. The movie Top Gun has turned fighter pilots into a different breed. 25 years after its release, society still romanticizes the profession. As a result, generations of geeks have grown up fantasizing about being fighter pilots in order to finally break out of their geekdom. Once achieved, *POOF* faster than Lindsay Lohan violates her probation, these social rejects transform into egomaniacs who love themselves more than they could ever love anyone else. They treat women like the crap they dragged in on the bottom of their shoes or like everyone else treated them in high school. My theory: Pilots are stuck in a child’s world and they seriously believe that he who plays with the best toys is the coolest kid in class. Grow up dudes.
As a service to all eligible women out there, with dreams of a man in uniform, I am here to debunk the myth of the Air Force Pilot and to save you from heartache. Hopefully, once word gets out, pilots will accept reality and stop searching for the trophy wife they feel entitled to have and realize that they are lucky of a nice, decent looking girl shows interest. Then maybe they will start treating women with some semblance of respect and get over their aggrandized visions of themselves. Namely: If we stop feeding the dog filet mignon, he’ll learn to appreciate porter house.
Ummmmm, they are not rich:
Unlike Pro Athletes, Actors, Doctors or Lawyers, who have the bank accounts to back up their egos, pilots are not and will never become rich in their chosen profession. Why? Because they are federal employees!! Trust me. Growing up, we didn’t live badly by any means, but we most definitely weren’t keeping up with the Kardashians or the Jones’s for that matter. When I wished for new soccer cleats, I got “Addydas.” Instead of clothes shopping at J. Crew or the Gap as a teen, I had to settle for WalMart and the Everything Under $12.00 store at the Outlet Mall. Seriously. Girls, don’t expect diamonds – you’ll get cubic zirconium.
Sure, they may have a nice ride now, but imagine stuffing 3 kids and a dog into their Corvette or their ueber-sized pick-em-up truck. Ain’t gonna happen. From the time I was born until the time I left for college, my dad drove 2 cars. One was a 1970-something Volkswagon Dasher and, when that finally keeled after 20 years on the job, a 1985 Honda Civic. My dears, the glitz and glam – out of financial necessity – will be replaced by the klunk and crap the minute you start poppin’ out chillins. So if you have dreams of being the Barbie doll wifey/Soccer mommy of a studly pilot with a fabulous Lexus, if you want your children to go to college, get over them now.
They overplay the danger in their jobs:
More Americans are killed by exploding 20 oz. Soda Bottles than pilots are killed every year. Although Top Gun brings to mind “Highway to the Danger Zone,” being a pilot isn’t really all that dangerous. The training these guys undergo is 1000 times more intense than an Intervention marathon. Here is a small list of jobs that are much more dangerous than being a pilot, but don’t get half the recognition:
1. Truck Driver
2. Prostitute
3. Underwater welder
4. Oil Rig Worker
5. Naomi Campbell’s housekeeper
They wear jumpsuits and helmets at work:
Many women are drawn to pilots because they think the “uniform” is sexy. Riiiiiiiight. The last time I saw a man in a one-piece, ill-fitting drab green outfit, he was picking up my trash. The last time I wore a one piece ill-fitting outfit, it had a cut out in the back for when I had to go poopie and footies. Yes, I am talking about PAJAMAS.
Needless to say, the boots that they wear with those outfits are hideous in their own right. The only time they have been in style in the modern era was during the 1990’s Seattle grunge phase. Admittedly, though, they do remain popular with Neo-Nazis the world over…
And if you think their style of dress gets better in the off hours, think again!! Having worn a uniform for most of their adult male life, many have failed to update their wardrobes since college (some even high school). So if the frat boy look or the Hooter’s T-shirt and (at one point in history, saggy, but now not so much) cargo shorts are your thing, have at it. I prefer more sophistication than that.
They are all, deep down, nerds attempting to “be all that they wished they could be”:
One in two pilots majored in engineering in college. I am not saying the boys ain’t smart, but, what I am saying is that enginerds are notorious for their lack of social skills. I dated a computer enginerd for 7 months. His idea of a fun night was sitting at his apartment, not talking, playing some online game. Of course, he had a mild form of autism, but most do. Sigh. The worst part is, pilots tend to try and overcome their innate nerdiness by acting like teenagers well into their 40’s. It’s like they are trying to experience what the popular kids experienced in high school when they were ostracized for having too many pimples and spent their weekends playing Dungeons and Dragons. Trying to have a meaningful or even superficial conversation with one is like trying to drive a car with an empty tank of gas – you get nowhere.
They all have the same jokes. Which may be funny the first 3000 times you hear them, but then lose their luster. Kind of like Jeff Foxworthy. They quote movies like “The Hangover” on a regular basis because watching guys be cool is as close as they ever will get to being cool themselves. Newsflash: The "coolest" pilot really is only the King of the Nerds, which isn’t really that great of an accomplishment.
You have little to look forward to:
The G’s they pull riding at supersonic speeds seriously does something to their digestive systems. My earliest sensory memory is of my dad’s squadron in England and how it always smelled of stale pizza and beer farts. At least the bed will be nice and warm in the winter…ever heard of a Dutch oven? I won’t even go into the “backne” which is exactly what it sounds like – back acne. 10,000 kinds of gross.
Furthermore, wearing a helmet for 20 years wreaks havoc on a hairline. Some women like bald men. Some women also like eating chalk. I like neither. The balding begins early in their 30’s and continues until they either shave their heads or join the Hair Club for Men. It’s like the hair migrates south towards their backs and they wind up resembling the fly. Not my cup-o tea.
The highlight of your married life will be receiving the Turkish rugs the men folk bring back from their TDYs to Incirlik. Though they look great, it takes about 6 months to get the stale cigarette smoke out of it and, once your house finally stops smelling like a seedy dive bar, they fall apart. Kind of like your hopes and dreams as you will have to give up any career you thought you’d have to follow your hubby from base to base and to raise his kids alone when duty calls.
Once retirement comes, don’t expect your pilot to retain the physique he maintained on active duty…not that pilots can really rival the Special Forces guys or any Marine, Army or Navy personnel for that matter. I’ve seen more than a few chubby wubbies in my day. At any rate, once retired, he will blow up, but will expect you to maintain. What good is eye candy if you don’t want to look at it?
Do what you want. Marry a pilot. At least you have months and months of separation to look forward to. After all, I am sure we all desire to be single parents, deep down.
The real irony is: These guys are trained to make life or death decisions but can’t make a commitment.
Over and out.
-Pokey
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