1.) The title is misleading. I did some research and found the poem read by Julia Stiles to Heath Ledger’s (RIP) character online and, it turns out, there aren’t 10, but 13 ways she hates him. The entire movie was a lie. I feel so dirty.
2.) Julia Stiles. If I could take your face and shove it into a waffle iron, I would. But somebody obviously beat me to it.
3.) Alex Mack. Alex Mack, your attempt to cross over from Nickelodeon to the mainstream failed. You were horrible without super powers and completely unbelievable as a normal teen.
4.) References to Sarah Lawrence. Apparently, all intelligent, conformity despising females are required to read Sylvia Platt, listen to indie rock, attend all-girls liberal arts colleges and be named Kat. Otherwise you can’t be “alternative.” Whatever happened to getting tattoos and smoking illegal narcotics? Seriously, Miss Stereotype: Take your Bronte sisters, your Dickinsons and your Sedgwicks and shove em up your derrière. I much prefer Sophie Kinsella and Helen Fielding.
5.) How dare they adapt a William Shakespeare classic in such an impertinent manner. If ol’ Billy Boy were here, I am sure he’d have something to say about this, like, “This sucketh mightily. Could I loatheth Julia Stiles more? I thinketh not!”
6.) Andrew Keegan, you are not and have never been good looking. Please stop trying so hard.
7.) I could think of a million better things to do with the 1 hour and 41 minutes that it takes to get through this audacious slap in the face to teen classics. Like a get Brazilian wax, have my left ear cut off and sent to a person of Picasso’s choosing, eat a worm, move to China, take part in a raw sheep’s liver eating contest, or spend time having coffee and chatting about life with Nancy Grace…
8.) And the whole prom scene…seriously. Could you get more cliché? I am sorry, but the prom never turns out like that. Most people go home, with broken nails and torn panty hose, hating themselves for spending too much money on an outfit they will never wear again and wishing they could have those 5 hours of their lives back that they spent prepping themselves for nothing. And the girls aren’t happy either.
9.) Julia Stiles. Can I please get some intonation? Your voice is as flat as your chest, for Greg Brady’s sake! If I was your director, I’d have someone slip a mild stimulant into your fake beer at the party scene…then maybe your intoxication would have seemed slightly more realistic. No wait…if I’d been the director, I wouldn’t have allowed you on set in the first place. My bad. And you call yourself an actress. For shame!
10.) And the 10th thing I hate about the movie 10 Things I Hate About You: It came out 11 years ago – which means I am old. Officially. And you are too, because you remember it as well as I do. It used to be so popular…just like we used to be young. I hate being reminded.
-Pokey
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