Ladies and gentlement, readers everywhere: I, Pokey, have uncovered a Chinese conspiracy to take over the US. This may be a shock – and you should be a feared – because this has been going on right under our noses for almost a century and in two waves.
The first wave of Chinese espionage targeted our most personal possessions – our laundry. Yes, the Chinese infiltrated our economy by opening up laundromats throughout the West Coast.
No, they weren’t just trying to help us live in a world with clean clothes and bounty-freshness. This plot was genius in its innocence. It was an attempt not only to answer the age old question of whether men prefer boxers or briefs, but also to rob America of its cotton and textiles in order to implode our infrastructure.
Ridiculous, you say? Well, how many of you have utilized laundromats only to wind up missing a sock here, a t-shirt there, or even an entire load of tighty whities? What self respecting blue–blooded American would steal someone else’s underoos? The Chinese did it, thus forcing you to go out and buy new ones. In so doing, they attempted to increase the demand for cotton whilst whittling away at the supply - a recipe for disaster.
If they’d been successful, farmers throughout the country would have been forced to grow cotton instead of other essential crops, like corn,tobacco and hemp. Eventually, the vital nutrients for its cultivation would be stripped from the soil from excessive planting and further cotton growth would be unattainable. The ramifications to our economy would be devestating, with corporate behemoths like Hanes and Fruit of the Loom going under. Where would Michael Jordan be then? We all know Americans can’t function without tag less shirts. That’s a fact.
Fortunately, most of the laundromats were opened in California, where socks and underwear aren’t worn on a regular basis. We narrowly escaped the assault on this front.
The Chinese aren’t done yet. They have developed an even more invidious plan to take over our country. This time, they are not focusing on our renewable resources, but, rather, our waistlines.
One word: Obesity.
By 2020, 75% of America will be overweight. The other 25% will live in Hollywood. Once the majority of this country is no longer able to physically defend themselves, the Chinese will strike, making Tiananmen Square look like child's play. I hope you like Communism and only children...
Tempting us with there General Tsao’s chicken, fried rice and their sweet and sour pork. Promising us “nutricious” take-out because we are all too lazy to cook. And then there’s the buffets…All you can eat and more than you ought – stripping us of our abilities to control portion sizes and turning us into gluttonous, slothful shadows of our former selves. And for what? $6.50 at lunch and $8.50 at dinner and on weekends. (Drinks not included.)
If Chinese food was really what they were eating in China, you’d assume there’d be more fat Chinese people. That’s common sense. I ask you then: Where are the obese Chinese people? Where, I ask you, where?!
Not only are the heavy sauces and super large portions controlling our destinies, but the food itself is made more fun to eat with those cutsie-wootsie chop sticks and “fortune” cookies. Do you know why the fortunes all have Chinese words on the back? Because by 2025, that’s the language we will be speaking.
Weaken our infrastructure and then take us over. Yep. That’s the plan. I mean, what the heck is MSG anyways and how do we know that there really is no MSG? ALL LIES!!!
And, they are doing this all the while they are taking advantage of our higher education system, training their future generations at our expense. How many non-Chinese graduate students are there in the quantum physics department at any major university throughout the US? NO more than 5. I guarantee it. And 3 of them are Russian.
I am on to you China – your methods are certainly clever. However, you can’t fool Pokey! Your schemes have been uncovered.
Wanton Soup my tail. You fail.
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