Fan Mail: The Kardashians

Dear Kardashians,

Kardashians, you are paradigms of virtue – beacons of integrity – unparalleled perfection in an imperfect world. When I watch your show on Entertainment Television, I can’t help but sit in awe of your natural beauty, intelligence and solid family foundation. I also think that Full House was the greatest show ever made, so I guess I am not the best for passing apt judgment…which I freely admit.

I understand being upset about your mother nipping out to puff a ciggie. I mean, smoking is an addiction and, as such, bespeaks a poor character. It is right for the rest of you to stand in judgment of her. It’s called tough love. Bravo. There are many other activities that one could undertake that speak so much more highly of oneself, such as getting a DUI and then violating your probation (Khloe); cheating on your significant other after they financially supported you while you pursued your Olympic dreams (Bruce); making a sex tape (Kim); having a baby with Scott Disick (so gross, so, so gross, Kourtney); or running up over $120,000 in charges on soul-singer Brandy’s mother’s credit after appearing with her son in the aforementioned sex tape and then refusing to pay her back (Kim, Khloe, and Kourtney).

I have some questions I would like to ask each of you. But, first, I would like offer some friendly advice to the KKK sisters (i.e. Kim, Khloe and Kourtney. What did you think I meant?)

Kim: Stop dating men whose egos are larger than their brains. I know your ego has to balance out your batookis, but if you continue to date guys who are on par with you in the ‘loving themselves’ realm of things, there will never be enough room for the both of you’s in the relationship – and certainly not for your “attributts.”

Khloe: There isn’t enough advice in the world...

Kourtney: Scott Disick. Really? I mean, the guy wears pink pants!! PINK PANTS! And I imagine he isn’t doing so to save the Ta-Tas. If there was ever a personification of all that is wrong in this country – the excess, the entitlement, the narcissism, Scott DiSICKO would be the forerunner for the title. Bottom line: If statutory rape laws were based on mental age, well, you’d have to register for life. Get over him.

Anyways, on to my questions. If you don’t mind, please respond by next Tuesday. I have things to do.

1. Kim: When you sit down, does it feel like you are sitting on pillows or two big rocks?
2. Khloe: Does it upset you that your sisters are so much prettier?
3. Kourtney: When exactly were you dropped on your head as a baby? Have you ever thought about suing your mother for your diminished intellectual capacity?
4. Kim: Do you have to wear special shoes so that you don’t tip backwards when you stand up?
5. Kourtney: Do you ever get dehydrated from all the crying you do?
6. Khloe: Has anyone ever told you that you look like a brunette Miss Piggy? If so, do you prefer to be likened to the muppet or the cartoon version?
7. Kris: Do you sleep in formaldehyde?
8. Bruce: I have to give you credit for going out in public. If I had your face, I would definitely avoid areas with small children. At any rate, when you get really angry, do you grow rapidly, tearing your clothes in the process and turn green?
9. Kourtney: When you dropped out of school in the 3rd grade, did you ever think about going back? What? You graduated from high school!?!?! My bad.
10. Kim: So my friend got a virus on his computer from watching your sex tape online. Does that mean you gave him an STD?
11. Kris: When you gave birth to Khloe, did the doctors smack you instead?

Thank you for your responses. See you on E!

-Pokey

P.S. The other day when I was peeking into your house, I wasn't stalking you. I was just trying to keep up with the Kardashians, which is what you told us to do in the first place. So please drop the restraining order. It's making me look bad. Thank you.