Fan Mail: Lindsay Lohan

Dear Lindsay Lohan:

May I call you LiLo? On second thought, I think I will stick with Lindsay. LiLo sounds like a spoiled French poodle with a bad perm and painted toenails. I think you should distance yourself from that moniker.

Okay, Miss Lohan. I am sorry that things didn’t work out with you and Samantha Ronson. In hindsight, your relationship was doomed from the start simply because it is impossible to merge Lindsay and Samantha without completely butchering both names beyond recognition. I tried. Think about it: Brangelina works. Brajennifer doesn’t. It’s science. If you really want to find true love, you should look for someone named Don or Donna. Lindon or Lindonna definitely have the makings of a lasting relationship.

So you failed yet another drug test and are going back to jail. You naughty girl, you. As you face the coming days and weeks and months of incarceration, some unsolicited advice: Make a shank. Shanks are important as they provide protection and can be a source of comfort. Shanks can be made out of just about anything from metal to paper. This one guy even made one out of Jolly Ranchers. Of course, he had a tattoo of a bullet hole in his forehead, but the line between genius and insanity is a fine one. If necessity is the mother of invention, then self-preservation is the mother of shanks.

Once you have made it, name your shank something nice, like “Sharpie McStabber” or “Ms. Cuts-a-lot” or “Debbie Deadmanmaker.” Shanks have feelings too, so don’t go naming it something stupid like “Apple Pantywhacker” or “LiLo.” Oh, and be creative and make your shank unique. Adding googely eyes or bedazzling it can really give your shank the necessary pizzazz to make a real impression when you drive it into the first person you catch trying to steal your tater tots (or your innocence). Don’t take my word for it, ask Martha Stewart.

Your shank will become your best friend and can be taken everywhere you go! Take it with you to the exercise yard and it can spot you while you bench press! Take it with you to the shower and you will no longer fear dropping the soap! Take it with you to the mess hall and no longer will you struggle to cut your government meat with a spork! You can even sleep with it at night and stay up late giggling and scheming how to become Inmate 56437832’s "you-know-what"!

What’s not to love about a shank? Shanks are so great that they even have their own verb that you can conjugate: “To shank, to live no more!” “I shank, therefore I am.” “I came, I saw, I shanked!” “I have shanked the maggots in the mind of the universe!” “I will shank you, but know it hurts me more than it hurts you!” Bottomline: A-list actors have bodyguards, inmates have shanks.

In all seriousness, you should really consider getting clean. Drug addiction is not a laughing matter. Drug abuse has caused the destruction of many lives and torn apart countless families. I once had hamsters. The dad got hopped up on moth balls and started staying out late, leaving his wife home alone with the kids. One day, he came back to the cage to find that his wife had eaten all the kids. Would it have happened if he hadn’t been out engaging in petty thievery to purchase his next hit? Probably. Hamsters are known for that (rabbits, wolf spiders and a host of fish are as well, but that’s beside the point). The fact is that drugs are bad and if you really try hard, you can free yourself from their grasp. I believe in you. And I believe that if you put your heart into it, you could totally finish a 12-step program in 10.

Yours very sincerely,

Pokey