I am introducing a new themed blog called "Fan Mail." My first installment is a letter to Miley Cyrus. I am calling it Fan Mail because I want to. I also like crunchy apples.
Dear Miley Cyrus:
I am not ashamed to admit that I watch Hannah Montana on occassion. I am ashamed, however, to admit that I enjoy it. Although the dialogue lacks the sophistication of, say, the Teletubbies, the premise is good. I do find it rather ridiculous that you can throw on a blonde wig and no one knows you are a mega-superstar. That's about as convincing as Clark Kent hiding his Superman alter ego behind a pair of horn-rimmed glasses. At least he added spandex to the mix.
I even watched The Last Song. And I am glad that I did because I had no idea you were capable of actually speaking in a normal, inside, voice. Who knew. I also think you should stick with Liam Helmsworth (or whatever his name is). Not only is he super hot, he also has an accent, which makes him double sexy.
It would also be nice if you made up with Demi Lovato and Selena Gomez. They seem like such nice girls. It would be great if you started a rock band with them and sang wholesome, family friendly songs. Maybe you could let them try on your Hannah Montana wig. Be careful if you do though. Sharing wigs can spread lice and can lead to pregnancy. I'm not 100% sure about it, but as a precaution, you should wear a skull cap.
On a different note: I am very concerned about your costumes because you seem to be wearing less and less clothing. I know the economy is bad, but I would be happy to donate what I can so you can afford the second half of your skirt. And P.S. Underwear is meant to be worn UNDER your clothing. It makes sense when you think about it. Corsets do look sexy (not to mention the fact that they are an antiquated form of torture) but the whole sado-masichism look is giving Disney a bad name.
I suppose by now you are a gajillionaire. Totally impressed. My first job netted me a cool $5.15/hr and I spent 8 hours each work day up to my pits in grease and chicken nuggets. At least I got a great discount on food and all the free soda I could drink - not to mention the horrific acne that resulted from excessive exposure to liquid animal fat, the burn scars on my forearms from grilling class D burger meat and the fact that I smelled like french fries for the entire seventh months I worked there (and no amount of scrubbing could relieve that stench).
It was all worth it when I received my first paycheck for $86.32 after taxes - I felt like I'd hit the jackpot. In fact, I bought a whole 6-pack of Dr. Pepper at the Piggly Wiggly to celebrate the occassion. Of course, I didn't have to deal with the Paparazzi. But, then again, I also didn't get my own trailer or personal trainer. I guess there are always trade-offs.
No, I am not jealous that you were named one of the most influential Hollywood celebrities before you could vote or stay up past 10 pm on a school night. In fact, I am relieved that honor wasn't bestowed on LiLo(who I will also write to once I can obtain the address of her current jail). I just hope you continue to keep your nose clean and tell your dad to get a hair cut and stop dressing like your boyfriend. He's what, 70 now?? (Your dad, not your BF.) And if you could get him to shave off his lower lip hair, that would be great too. He looks like he was eating chocolate pudding and missed his mouth.
That is all. Have a nice day!
-Pokey
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