Let me just say that I find it ridiculous how prescription drug commercials must include all potential side effects in the 30 seconds the commercial is on TV. Even if such affects have never occurred but there could maybe possibly be a .0000000001% chance that it could happen to someone who was born with translucent skin and curly flourescent pink hair.
I seriously think I end up knowing more about the potential negative effects than what a drug is actually designed to do. We’ve all seen these commercials. They terrify me and not just because the acting is awful and the dialogue is on par with “Debbie Does Dallas,” but because I now fear pills – even Tylenol – because I am afraid I will wake up the day after taking one with some unrelated terminal illness. I had a headache and now I have the Ebola Virus and heartburn. Dun dun dun. Case in point:
A group of late 20-something women are at some big city elitist club, sipping their cosmos and having the same discussion I have at least 5 times a day, every day, with my friends about the horrific bloating and unrelenting cramping that accompanies our monthly cycles. Anyhoo, one of the women – who is always an M.D. – excitedly tells her friends that if they take X Drug, they will only have their periods one to three times a year with some spotting in between!! Sounds great! Wrong. The next 18 seconds are spent as the Dr. Doolittle calmly warns her friends that not only will X Drug curb the effects of Aunt Flo’s monthly visit, but could also lead to more cramping/bloating/fatigue/sexual inadequacy/psychosis/the growth of a second head/blackouts followed by public indecency. Then the name of the drug appears on the screen juxtaposed over a scene of the women booty grinding and with a further admonishment to consult one’s doctor before starting use. Of course. I should definitely consult my doctor because I HAVE NO CLUE WHAT THE DRUG IS ACTUALLY INTENDED TO DO!
So many of the side effects are either completely unrelated to the issue the drugs combat or are even more horrible. Seriously. Who wants to buy a drug to relieve, say, arthritis that can cause impotency? The worst is when the drug could potentially worsen your condition or even CAUSE the condition. “Take the Pill once a week to prevent pregnancy. Warning: May cause a Kate Gosselin style pregnancy and subsequent disconnect from reality.” There are even some side effects that can make an otherwise normal appearing person resemble a Star Trek character – one of the ugly ones with more limbs than sense. Though, thinking about all the cool things I could do with a third arm, like brush my teeth, make a sandwich and conduct an orchestra all at the same time, kind of makes me want to risk it…
Even things as benign as chewable vitamins for kids could cause chest hair growth and bowel irritability. Of course, I made this up, but it’s possible. Imagine your child popping those delicious Flinstones’ Chewables in order to get those essential growth vitamins denied to them by strict diets of Twinkies and Chicken Nuggets and subsequently resembling an incontinent Saskwatch. Forget potty training and buy stock in wax.
It’s no wonder that “performance enhancing” drugs aren’t widely advertised – at least on television. Talk about freak nasty. Such disclosures would require that commercials be rated and they would definitely be NC-17. It would, however, give women who are hit on by muscle bound Neanderthals the upper hand: “I would go out with you Billy Bob, but I happen to know that those muscles are completely unobtainable without scientific assistance. And I also happen to know that you are probably struggling with mood swings and a diminished libido and that the increase in the diameter of your forearms is directly proportional to the shrinkage in other areas. So, I just don’t think this is going to work out. Pun fully intended.” Ouch.
The saddest part of all is thinking about the poor lab animals that have developed the side-effects these commercial so indiscreetly detail. I get chocked up thinking about all the rats out there who thought they were there to be cured of the alcoholism they developed living in the basement of Studio 54 and law schools throughout the country. They may now be sober, but must live the rest of their days with five tails, a fear of anything that begins with the letter A and Betty Davis’ eyes. Tragic.
Basically, I think the FDA should allow drug companies to simmer down the scare tactics. I would much rather the 30-second spots in between episodes of The Middle and Modern Family be spent providing information about what the drug is supposed to do rather than the awful things it could do to .01% of the population, i.e. your Aunt Mildred. Trust me, if I choose to seek treatment for IBS or Peripheral Vascular Disease and am interested in a drug, I will consult my doctor, thank you very much. (Not only that, but I HAVE to consult my doctor to get a prescription at which time my doctor will be required to discuss those all to interesting side effects with me.)
Oh, and one more thing: I hate the word “placebo.” It just sounds dirty.
That is all.
-Pokey
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